6 Ways To Save My Sanity

Patience is a virtue, apparently. Google ‘patience: definition‘ and the first result returned is thus:

‘good-natured tolerance of delay or incompetence’

I admire people who have a lot of patience and tolerance – good-natured or otherwise. Try as I might, I cannot summon much from the depths of my deepest self. So, instead, I thought I would publish some tips on how other people can help me – perhaps this tolerance thing can work both ways…

© Martin Deutsch

© Martin Deutsch

This, therefore, is a collection of pointers that would help me get through life that little bit quicker…

1) Please don’t queue to use a cash point, and only at the time you are standing in front of the cash point you have spent 20 minutes queuing for, decide to hunt around in your purse the size of a washbag for your cash card. You have had 20 minutes to prepare – did you not know what you were queuing for? Was it a surprise to you when you arrived at the cash point that you would need a card to withdraw your money from it?

2) If you’re going to stand around in a massive group where the number of wheelie bags and children exc exceeds the number of adults by a ratio of 4:1, please don’t do it in any of the following places:

  • At the stop of the staircase on the way out of a tube station
  • In the busiest doorway you can find
  • In the middle of the pavement
  • At a busy pedestrian crossing (which you have no intention of using)

3) If you and all of your friends want to buy a £1.25 Lotto scratchcard each, fine. Nominate one person to buy them all with a tenner and sort it out amongst yourselves afterwards. Don’t nominate one person to go and buy 8 separate scratchcards with 8 different sets of £1.25, made up of varying amounts of coppers, 5p pieces and bits of chewing gum you’ve flattened down to look like a very old 20p

4) When you get off the tube, you will need your ticket or an Oyster Card to get through the barriers. They give you a bit of a hint by making you go through barriers at the start of your journey, so please don’t be surprised when you have to do it when you ‘alight’ too. Have your ticket ready. In fact, if it’s a short journey, just don’t put it away – keep it in your hand from one station to the next. How hard can it possibly be to lose something walking down an escalator, standing up for a bit, and then walking up an escalator?

5) A tip: If you’re waiting at a red traffic light, it will go green again at some point. Be prepared for that – have your hand on the handbrake, perhaps, or maybe don’t even worry about the handbrake at all… There is, after all, a perfectly serviceable foot brake designed for just such an occasion when you need to be stationary for a short period of time. As a general rule of thumb, you will not be able to change the CD/radio station, light a fag, turn round to shout at the kids and wolf-whistle at a 13 year old girl walking down the street in an average traffic light stop. Also, watching the traffic lights themselves can often help in knowing when they have changed

6) When out shopping, please don’t be too polite to say ‘yes’ when the checkout person asks you if you want someone to help you with your packing. It’s what packers are there to do. Don’t deny them their packing opportunities. Especially if you have £130 worth of Tesco Value products, 2 children who only stop screaming long enough to shove a few more Giant Buttons into their fat little faces, and one arm in a sling. You will not get your packing done in a respectable and non-cardiac arrest inducing amount of time for everyone else in the queue


3 responses to “6 Ways To Save My Sanity

  1. I think some of these behaviours may be geographically specific….

  2. dude… this is what london commuting does to you… i came back with the best intentions to be chilled out, nice and take my time… but as soon as i got on the tube i turned into a c*nt in a rush.

    I thought for a bit… maybe we would be more tolerent if transport was itself faster… but it’s the opposite… The faster we go the more inconvenience we feel if someone forces us to slow down…

    The reality is that it’s the people who are lost in their thought’s daydreaming… that are the people who forget to get out their oyster card… that are the people who have more patience

    solution: 2 lanes… one for the dreamers… one for the workers… which one leads to success?

  3. Pingback: The Price of Manners « The Elf Workshop

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